Quick Poll

Where's the best place you've ever had sex?

In a bookstore, feet up in the classics (did that many times as the lucky boy was the bookstore manager)

In a convertible with the top down on a warm summer night next to Lake Geneva, Switzerland (the only redeeming quality to Switzerland, if you ask me, was how many orgasms I had that night)

In the bathroom at Victrola (Shhhhhhhhhh- don't tell).

College Football Players Caught Up In Sexual Assault Case

As posted on the Stranger's Slog:

NOT the way you'd expect. I want DETAILS!!! Read the story here.

I want to know how this happened! I don't care if it's true or not! What happened? How were they assaluted? What were the circumstances? Were they partying? Sleeping? Dosed/drugged? Role-playing?

Let your imaginations go crazy! Comments, people!

Crushes

I know I mostly write about tawdry sex, and bad tawdry sex at that. But if it wasn't for the good stuff that comes from interacting with boys, I wouldn't keep taking the risks of the bad experiences in hope for something good. Besides, the bad ones make for fun stories to tell to friends and loved ones, so they are not completely wasted.

About a year ago I started emailing Hot Hot Horst. He's a journalist in Austria, he was working on a story and I had some insight for him. Since then we have been emailing each other regularly. We share a love of travel and art. When I mentioned an artist I love, he told me that he's done work for a museum that showcases her work. When 6- yes 6 people died last year , it was his emails that made me feel better.

So in March I am going to Paris and he may meet me there. I'm a wee bit nervous at the thought of it. Reality rarely lives up to fantasy, but it is a very romantic plot for two international strangers to meet in Paris. The secret mushy romantic that hides inside my cynical exterior is all a flutter.

Besides- did I mention he is hot. Like former model hot? At the very least, I may come back with some funny stories of bad dates and/or sex while traveling, so it won't be a complete waste.

Happy Birthday CJ

You may be aging backwards, but your bootay just keeps getting better.

Now post something juicy or I will tell butt sweat stories.

Kissing Inappropriate boys

There is a certain local bar (no- I am not telling you which one) where I always end up kissing inappropriate boys (and sometimes more than kissing).

Last time I went there to see an all girl punk rock band was standard me behaving badly. I have absolutely no idea where Mr. Too Preppy To Be At a Punk Rock Show came from. I don't even remember how we started talking, but I like to freak out the preppy boys- alot.

Somehow Mr. Too Preppy thought it was okay to ask me how many people I have slept with. I think it's a stupid question (and generally shows a serious level of prudishness on the part of the asker). I mean, if the way to get to Carnegie Hall is practice practice practice, I've been doing sold out shows there for years.

So I answered the only way I could "How the fuck should I know, nobody keeps track at orgies".

Knowing full well that the guy was an idiot who I would never sleep with (I have learned that prudishness rarely makes for a fun one night stand) I still ended up making out with the guy. Then his friend showed up, a brooding European guy who was way more my type. Turns out his friend had literally just flown in from Sweden. So Mr. Too Preppy says to Brooding European "This girl is the best kisser ever, man".

Of course, I had to show the Brooding European my skills, so I ended up making out with both of them.

Mr. Too Preppy asked for my number, I gave him the number to the phone I never answer (the line that comes dirt cheap with my internet access and is basically a voice mail waste land for bill collectors and inappropriate boys). While writing the number down for him, he has the gall to say "I have to be honest, I don't think I could ever seriously date a smoker".

"Who said anything about dating?" was my answer. Cause really, when was the last time you heard a dating story that ended in a serious relationship start with "We met outside of bar and I knew it was for keeps by the way she was alternating between sucking face with me and my best friend."

Of course, I could totally see a Brooding European saying that, but he's not the one that asked for my number.

(That night I actually ended up going home with a very hot Peruvian, but that's a whole nother story)

Hot Doctor

Because I know he's reading this-

Hot Doctor proves that the stereotype that Asian men are small is a lie. Hot Doctor has a fab cock and massive skills.

Thanks Hot Doctor!

Seriously!

I was just reading through the recent comments thing on the right and the number of times B or I start a comment with Seriously! is kinda funny. A thousand years from now archeologists are going to think Seriously was an english greeting..

Comments Policy- Cause it's needed

Cause it's my (our) blog, my (our) discretion.

Try to keep comments to the discussion at hand. Interesting points of view and shared stories are welcome. badly written erotica and jokes about rodeo clowns are not.

If you're racist, sexist, assholish, repetitive, annoying or even just plain boring - I reserve the right to edit your comments and replace them with the Barney song

I love you
You love Me
We're a happy family

Or maybe I'm a little teacup. It's a mood thing really. Also possible are such nursery hits like The Ensy Weensy Spider or Humpty Dumpty.

I also may turn really awful comments into a blogpost to be made fun of and mocked accordingly. If you don't like these policies you are free to write your own blog and you are free to write on your own blog how mean and horrible I am and how you're just a poor misunderstood asswipe. But not here.

Orgies- a PSA

I once had a boyfriend who belonged to a sort of orgy club. We went together a few times, neither of us being the jealous sort. The first time was awesome, the second time was alright, the third time turned me off to orgies forever.

As with most public or group sex stuff, the numbers of willing boys vastly swamp the number of willing girls, by about 4 or 5 to one. These are ratios that I am rather happy with, being a girl who gets bored easily and likes a whole lot of variation.

Once or twice a month, the group would get together in a large hotel room. About a half an hour before nekkid time, new members and old hands could hang out, fully clothed and get comfortable with each other and then at the designated time everyone would strip. That first time I was nervous, but being the kind of girl who refuses to let people see me acting scared, I dropped trow pretty fast and started making out with nearest naked hot guy. I was told that was the quickest they had ever seen a newbie jump into things- a land speed record of sorts. Very soon after I was laid out on a bed, fucking and sucking while many hands touched me all over. It was hot. At some point I squirted into a guys mouth. He told me (and the entire room) that I taste like oranges.

The second time, most of the guys were new and nervous. I think nervousness multiplies exponentially, and we were only there for a little while when the guy who I had squirted at and his girlfriend invited a few of us back to their apartment for a more private party. There were 6 of us altogether, 3 couples. I got to help my boyfriend "double stuff" one of the girls there, which was really really hot and then she gave me multiple multiples later that night.

The third time, I was already fighting off a headache when we got there. I got into the action for a little bit, until some new guy climbed on top of me and had a bout of nerves (couldn't perform for a crowd- I guess). I got up, threw on my robe and was walking to the balcony for a smoke break when I saw the thing that turned me off orgies forever. Near the door to the balcony, a skinny ass white guy was rabbit humping a lovely black girl (the girlfriend of the oranges guy). She was on her back and didn't have the view that I did of skinny white guy's ass thump thumping in the air. Skinny white guy didn't have the worlds best hygiene. As a matter of fact, skinny white guy could have used a washlet- cause he was letting his dingleberries fly.

I ran back to my boyfriend and told him we had to leave. He was pretty cool and 5 minutes later we were in the car while I told him about the dingleberries. He was more than a little OCD about hygiene and perfectly understood my freak out.

I popped a couple of migraine pills and an ambien in the car on the way home for my headache. That was the only night I have ever had sex that I do not remember in the slightest. Apparently I was pretty aggressive, so I made up some for us missing the orgy fun, even if I don't remember jack shit about it.

The moral of the story Kids- hygiene hygiene hygiene! Wash your ass before group sex adventures.

Dear Babeland:

Over the years I have spent many many dollars in your store. I go through vibrating eggs like the Easter Bunny and should own stock in the AA battery market.

I love that I can feel like a total perve in your store without feeling like cheap discount perve. Your store is nice and the displays are good. You have carpet instead of cheap linoleum and none of your products are displayed in the stupid plastic packs of doom. You don't light up the store like a WalMart, with evil super bright fluorescents and your lube collection can't be beat.

So now that I have sung your praises, a few bitches.

We've all heard about women's love of the rabbit. I had one. It exploded and burned my thigh (thankfully nothing else). I can't get behind the Walh, it looks like the wand they use for giving pregnant women internal ultrasounds (and having had more than a few of those- I have now started asking for dim lights and buzzing action when the ultra sound tech whips it out).

What I want is a simple thing. A good strong buzzy vibe with both clit and g-spot stimulation that is rechargeable and not likely to blow up on my thigh. I'd also like it to be quite enough so that my neighbors don't think I'm doing construction when I turn it on.

Thank You
RQ

PS- if you ever need someone to do product testing and reviews- I am SOOOOOO your girl.

Things I find hot- and not

Since we had a wee bit of a problem with someone thinking the comments section was a good place to dump bad erotica, I thought I'd give a little run down on things I like and things that bore me to sobs.

First- naughty girl needs big strong man to punish her to make her feel sexy porn. BAD. Really bad. Seriously not interesting. Look on craigslist and you can find hordes of guys looking for submissive women so they can live out their fantasy of being the alpha ape.With very few exceptions, guys who dig this kind of play are not guys who could inspire people to naturally follow them. This stuff makes me want to whip out a bamboo cane and flog the writers of this crap into submission.

Good- cheating wives, slut wives, cuckolds, etc. I like that these stories allow for female agency, though they can be chock full of bad racist stereotypes. Try finding that on craigslist and I will bet you that the "dominant" males will outstrip the cuckolds by 100 to 1.

Good- gay porn. Twice the cock, none of the misogyny. Nuff said

Bad- fake lesbians. I think in all the porn I've seen (most of it made for straight guys) I have only seen one actual lesbian box munching. The rest were obviously tepid attempts to look good for the camera without having to actually get in there.

Bad- most blowjobs. Evey single porn seems to end with a blow job and a facial. It's dull. It's lame. It's everywhere.

Good- cream pies. I think I find this sooooo hot because sex without a condom is not something I get to do. It's the ultimate taboo now, so I find it pretty damn sexy.

Good and bad- I like gangbang porn, but I am troubled by the abusiveness of it. In my head- gangbangs are more about a queen bee getting serviced by her loyal devotees. In actuality, girls in gang bangs are used as cum dumpsters.

more gmail chat fun

Me: butt pain- why the butt pain?

CJ: We played whirlyball last night with co-workers. You have to drive bumper cars, and I suffered massive trauma to the upper left buttock.

me: this is sad
is that the same buttock you landed on at the cookie party
do you need to write a blog post about the hazzards of living with ghetto bootay

CJ: One and the same.
Maybe I do!

me: I think so
I think you need to documants all the accidents that you have had because of the bootay

CJ: Hmmmmm.... Can I include all the neck injuries that have been incurred by others as they turn around to watch me walk past?

me: true- ghetto bootay is a hazard to all
You should come with a warning sign- this bootay may cause whiplash.
i could make you one in photoshop and laminate it for you

CJ: Neat!

me: and put it on a string around your neck
Or maybe you just need your own custom t shirt

CJ: Or panties! [wink]

me: the panties would be seen too late. I fear you'd be liable in a lawsuit
I'm just looking out for ya

CJ: Oh......right.

me: Sweetie- with a bootay that fab- i can see a class action suit being brought against you

CJ: Ha! Thanks! [kissx]
Is that a kissy face?

me: I think it is
CJ: I meant it to be a kissy face.
;-x
[kissx]

me: We shall call it smooches and smooches shall be its name

CJ: What are ya doing this evening??
me: hiding out
being really rreally broke
and writing my bio for the book essay

CJ: Wanna bake cookies?

me: I can't

CJ: And drink godiva liquor?

me: I really am stuck at home till friday

CJ: Oooo-kay....

me: Sorry chiquita

CJ: sigh....

me: but I'll make you tortilla soup this weekend if you want

CJ: Hmmmmm.... mighty tempting!
I might need it on Sunday as a hangover treatment.

me: What ya doing Saturday night?

CJ: Santarchy!!!

me: Oh yay!

CJ: I am gonna be a reindeer though. Wanna come play with all the naighty Santas?

me: I just might
do I still have my glittery santa hat? I wonder

CJ: Let me know.... I'll be going to Dan's house first to play Wii... He has already been informed of my aversion to Wii though.
Yes, I have it!

me: Wiiiiiiiiii- it sounds like the golden shower hour

CJ: And then we're gonna drive (I think??) down to Georgetown to meet up with Santas.
It feels like that, too.
Blah.

me: If you drive- you should stop and pick me up

CJ: But we can watch and mock.

me: true
mockery is what i live for

Wanna be topped?

Aunti Disestablishmentarian reminded me of a funny scene from a while back.
A girlfriend and I were standing outside of the Egyptian theater, smoking and getting coffee. While girlfriend is busy with the coffee guy, random cheesy guy (RCG for short) walks up to me and starts putting on the hard sell "hey baby"s. The strength of my "No, I'm not interested" was not enough to turn the guy away.

Girlfriend turns around after getting coffee, throws a protective arm around my should and says "Dude, we only like girls"

RCG: That's okay, I only like girls too

Me : Dude, I only sleep with boys when I can top them.

RCG: Oh I like it when girls are on top!

Me: No- top them, with my 8 inch pink strap on.

RCG: I'm not gay.

Me: Doesn't matter.

You ever have one of those days?

You know those days where you're feeling particularly cocky? Maybe it's a really good hair day or you just got the cutest new fuck me boots. You're walking around like you're number one (thanks Violent Femmes!) You're cute, you're frisky, you could bring about word peace through the power of your cherry lip gloss alone!

And then you get home from a half hour bus ride only to notice that your zipper has been down for quite a while. And you think about how you were little Miss Cocky McSmiley face on the bus and how people must have thought you were some kind of grinning idiot.

I seem to have these kinds of days way more often than I should. Like today, wearing my favorite black cardy. It's super soft and warm and cut to the exact right spot to show off my curvy bits (and hide the lumpy ones). I should be wearing a tank underneath it, but none were clean and I was late to work.

So I am having a little discussion with the ancient librarian about him dumping a bunch of computer books on the lab and I am trying to flirt my way into getting bookends. HA! It worked, and he even agreed to put all the new books away for me!

When he leaves I look down to discover that my favorite sweater has managed to unbutton itself in the most revealing way possible. No wonder he offered to stack my shelves.

Your royal highness requests

no, demands that CJ tell the story of the many arms of Shiva!

Monday gmail chats and outing blog readers

CJ: Are ya back?

me: sort of

CJ: ?

me: in and out

what up

CJ: I'm back, from outer space, something something

I can never remember the words to that song!

me: I should have changed the stupid lock

CJ: That's why I suck at karaoke

me: And now your back, from outer space, I just came in somethin something to see that look upon your face

CJ: Oh yeah!!!

See.....

me: I should have changed the stupid lock I should have thrown away the key if I knew for just one second that you'd be back to bother me

CJ: You win!

me: Ha!

CJ: Sorry you were stressed out this weekend...

We should hang out after work this week.

me: I am broke broke broke till friday

CJ: Oh, my friend Neil in England says you're hot!

Me too!

Super broke!

I hate this!

me: Really- who is this neil

CJ: From Burning Man

Lives in England....

me: pics! I deman pics

CJ: he's a brit

me: demand

Is he as butsexx obsessed as most brits

CJ: I don't know that I have any. But he read your/our blog.

He said you were hot

me: then he should comment-

cause I like the comments

You know we have about 20 readers per day. Not huge but for a one week old blog that's pretty good

CJ: Yeah! That IS pretty good!

I'll have to write MORE!

me: Yes you do ccause I'm gonna use all my good sex stories someday

CJ: You jut have to make more happen

me: true dat

Wait-so is neil hot?

CJ: Yes, he is. And SUPER nice.

me: Seriously - pics!

CJ: He was our unofficial camp doctor the last year I went.

me: I am jst going to out him as a reader on the blog and demand pics

I am bitchy that way
CJ: Many of us (mostly girls) ended up in the med tent, and he kept coming over to make sure we were OK.

me: naughty

CJ: When I hurt my leg, he'd flag down rides for me. He even arranged for one of his camp-mates to take me across burning man because I was getting so damned sick of being in one place.

me: Aweee

CJ: OK, I'll e-mail him, tell him he has to send you pics himself.

I have none.
He has a great accent.

me: I'm just going to post this whole confersation as a blog post

CJ: And he let me bitch about the Brit as much as I wanted!

me: I just posted this and now I hae to pee

CJ: Even though he's a Brit, he's not nearly as bad as The Brit Idiot.

Sweet.

me: I like most brits

I've dated more than my fair share

I may even have a little fantasy about getting it on in front of brit school boys ala meaning of llife

CJ: Wooooooo, fun!

Sex on the first date- Hell ya!

If I am feeling it, I think it's better to have sex sooner rather than later in a relationship. Sex is an important thing to me, and I need to be sure that I am going to click with someone sexually as much as I need to be sure I am going to click with someone in other ways.

Besides, every reason I have ever heard for girl's waiting to have sex is pretty stupid. He won't respect you, he's just looking for sex (maybe I am too), girls get all bondy over sex and having it too soon means you might feel too much for an idiot, blah blah blah.

First, on the respect thing. If I want sex, and he wants sex, I don't see anything respectful about waiting other than to prove some patriarchal bullshit about how women are the pussy gatekeepers and letting someone in without making them beg or plead for the appropriate amount of time makes you less respectful. I have more respect for people who know what they want and are willing to go get it, thank you very much.

He's just looking for sex. I may just be looking for sex. I often am just looking for sex. As long as everybody is honest upfront about their intentions, then we can all be grown up about it. I do generally follow the rule that booty calls and one night stands rarely turn into something more, so I don't get my heart all mixed up in what my naughty bits want.

Girls get all bondy over sex. Sometimes girls (and boys) get bondy over stupid people, sex or no sex (hello- how many poems, songs, plays, movies, novels have been written about unrequited love?) Sometimes people get their hearts broken because they want someone who doesn't want them. Part of being a grown up is learning not to waste too much time on this, and you only get to be good at figuring out when you're wasting time through practice, practice, practice.

And finally, the most important reason I don't like to wait to have sex- every single time I've done that with someone I've really liked is that I have been sorely disappointed once we finally did have sex. I mean major disappointment. I mean I could have been ironing my clothes or digging ditches and got more pleasure disappointed. I mean small, skilless, lazy, timid, boring, horrible sex.

I have tried, on at least 2 and a half occasions to be teacher to these disappointments. I am patient, kind, encouraging and really good at giving instructions. All that has ever come from it are boyz who are even lazier lovers than before I started. But I gave it a shot because on other levels we were very compatible. I've learned my lesson now, if the sex ain't pretty damn good to start with, I am not wasting my time.

And I am really not going to waste several dates before I find out if we are going to click in bed.

WTF is up with religious boys?

I am fiercely agnostic and will fight with atheists and theists alike. I have NOOOOOOOOO interest in dating someone even vaguely religious, philosophical yes, but if the words "I believe Jesus Christ is my personal savior" have crossed your lips as an adult, I will mock you for trying to date me.

So why is it that I get little winks and emails from people who are so firm in their faith that it's part of their screen name, like nicechristian69? Why is it that I don't just get stalked by the weird guy I gave my phone number to one drunken New Years, but that weird guy is a priest who not only wants to fuck me but to save my soul while he does it? I am pretty sure that had I ever actually had sex with him, any happy "Oh god's that I might have shouted would have lead to a naked baptism in astroglide mid-coitus.

This is a great mystery to me, as I am not just apathetic in my disregard for religion, but militant and brutally sarcastic (as my poor, dear sweet Christian relatives know because I often step on their beliefs).

So this leaves me to wonder if these guys are actually serious in their beliefs, or if they think that coming off as a god-fearing man will make my panties drop just as magically as Jesus turned water into wine?

Hi! Wanna Do It Up The ASS?

Red Queen and I both have a few mutual friends. In fact, we have one friend who introduced us both. The world has never been the same since.

We will call this friend "The Professor".

One night a couple of years ago, while I was still living in SoCal, I went up north to visit The Professor in his small Northern California town for Mardi Gras. It was a great weekend. There were lots of parties going on, tons to do, and people everywhere. I think that was the weekend that I forgot to pack underwear so my grandmother loaned me a pair of hers until I could go to Target and buy some clean ones. Yes, I literally wore real granny panties. Then, I found some panties with a SuperGirl logo on front, and it was all over from there. I got drunk and had to show everyone my cute new panties! Yeah, I am just shy like that.

Anyway, that is NOT the story I started out to tell. This is:

The Professor took me and some of his friends to a crazy hat party. Everyone's wearing crazy hats... It's a great reason to drink! I'm wandering around, talking to strangers, mingling, hanging out in a new town, enjoying myself, when I meet a cute boy. Cute boy and I hit it off. Cute boy and I start making out. Somehow we wind up in the laundry room (Don't ask me how, I was drinking, remember?). Making out, lalalalala, oh isn't this fun, lalalalalala... Cute boy says, "Let's go somewhere else." I say no, I don't want to lose my friends. I don't know where the party is in relation to where The Professor lives, and I don't want to get lost or anything really bad. Cute boy begs a little, I keep saying no, THEN cute boy says: "I want to fuck you in the ass."

Uh, WHAT??

Yes, that's right. He said: "I want to fuck you in the ass."

How do you go from meeting someone at a party and making out with them to suddenly fucking in the ass??? I am still at a loss for the logic here. What-- hi, you're cute, smoochie, smoochie, bend over baby-- OH YEAH!
Huh?

After that, I ran over and sat down next to The Professor. I had to protect the bootay. That was scary!! I was so embarrassed, I didn't tell him what had happened. I slowly revealed the story in the morning. At which point The Professor felt the need to show me this gem.



Thank, Professor!

And thank you, Dude Who Wanted To Fuck Me In The Ass, for such a great little story!!

Crank Yanker

Or how CJ and I became fast friends.

Last year I met CJ in November when the Naughty Prof came up for a visit. We all went to dinner, had Ethiopian food, it was fun.

The night before my birthday, out of the blue CJ called and asked if I wanted to go to the Erotic Art Exhibit with her. No one else she knew was going and she didn't want to go by herself. I said sure, put on my best silky noir outfit and headed to her place where we had drinks while the ever late CJ finished getting ready.

The exhibit itself was awesome. My favorite was a photogragh of a Ken doll holding a life sized condom and staring up at a real woman's pussy. It was like an Almodovar movie. We had many, many drinks including the worst vodka collins ever made. While in the bar area, a big bear of a guy bumped into me. When he apologized and promised not to do it again, I made a snarky comment about how he better not or he'd be punished.

Well, turns out this guy, who will be called Crank Yanker, was a bit of a masochist. Yay! I'm a bit of a sadist. He specifically likes cock and ball torture, something that other boys never let me do. So I reached under the pub table we were standing at, grabbed a handfull of cloth and balls and yanked hard, up and out. He was a happy boy.

Soon, we were explaining to CJ how torturing boy's bits is done and of course she had to give it a go. Crank Yanker bought several more rounds of drinks. I was feeling no pain at all. Crank Yanker wanted to feel more pain, so he unzipped his pants and pulled out crank Jr. CJ and I took turns pulling, twisting and yanking till my hands hurt. CJ, who has the most beautiful hands ever and perfect long oval talons for nails, started digging into Crank Jr. More drinks were bought, more yanks were yanked. At some point I either kissed a girl or gave her my phone number, I cannot remember.

Somehow I got home.I assume a cab ride was involved. I was soooo sick that I grabbed the giant stock pot I use for turkey stock and spent the next 18 hours puking my guts out. My birthday party was the next night at 8pm, I didn't stop puking till 7:30. I think it's the only birthday I have spent sober since I discovered booze.

Every now and then I will meet someone who CJ knows and upon hearing my name I will get "Ohhhhh you're THAT girl". CJ has now been banned from telling that story without me.

Greetings and Slutuations

I am very exxxcited to be participating in this project! I will call myself "CJ" to protect the innocent. Yes, I was the one who wanted to form the bad dates blog, and I was also the creator of the "pink stuff" comment. Perhaps I will expand on that at some point, but not just yet. I am such a tease!

I always come up with funny little names for the guys I date. Most of my friends know about the men I date through their descriptions, not through their real names because that gets too confusing. But when I say "The Idiot Brit" or "Many Arms of Shiva Guy" or "The Married Guy From Burning Man", then they know EXACTLY who I am talking about!

Which leads me into my first story. Funny that Red Queen just posted about married men AND about multiple partners as I was going to include both in my first post anyway. Red Queen, you read my mind!

So this is about how I met The Married Guy From Burning Man, or TMGFBM and one of our many adventures together. Funny thing is, TMGFBM told me straight away of his marital status. I had recently returned from my first burn in the desert and went to a welcoming bonfire hosted by a group of local Burners, as we call ourselves. At said bonfire, I brought some brownie treats with me to give away, and my schtick was to give away brownies for kisses. "I will give you a brownie if you give me a kiss!" It worked like a charm. The only concern I really recieved was if they were "magic brownies", to which I answered "They are magically delicious!", bought directly form the store, no "special" additives or anything. Anyway, I was wandering around, happily trading brownies for kisses, when I started speaking to TMGFBM. He told me right away about his marital status, but explained that they had an open relationship and they encouraged each other to date other people. All I remember is snuggling in a beach chair, a little groping here & there, the smell of fresh rotting seaweed (mmmmm!!), and the promises of undying love and fidelity. Ha! Undying love and fidelity from a freaking MARRIED man??!! That's a good one. But you know, some people are rather convincing. That, and his WIFE actually told me she thought we'd have fun together. Uh, OK, when the wife advocates it, I guess it's not cheating?

Well, she was cool with TMGFBM and I hooking up until she had a run of bad luck in the dating arena. Apparently, it's OK for your partner to get some on the side if you're also getting some, but it's not cool if it's a one-way thing. This is why I could never be poly ( short for polyamorous, "several lovers"). Not only is it too confusing, but it is just one big jealous disaster waiting to happen. It seems to be such a big cool thing right now to have "open" relationships... As in two people can date or be married or otherwise attached to each other, but they can also date other people and bring them into the mix somehow. BUT they have to be HONEST about it. As soon as one person starts sleeping around behind the other person's back, then it's cheating and all bets are off. If however, they can openly communicate about their sexual conquests, they will have reached Relationship Nirvana.

Funny how it's not that simple. Funny how human emotions get in the way of such a great idea. Funny how being poly sounds so similar to communism, if you replace money with love and reduce it from a state-run economic system to a much smaller scale. Anyway, they both sound really fabulous on paper, but in reality, they're not so hot.

So to go back to TMGFBM, things between us fizzled, obviously. His wife got jealous that we were getting along so well and she wasn't seeing anyone. I got tired of being the "other woman". He was never able to stay the night, we only had limited (but fun, passionate, crazy) times together, he had to watch his kids, I could never introduce him to my friends or family, we had to go out places where no one either of us would be recognized toward the end. It was not my idea of a healthy relationship. I don't honestly understand how a polyamourous relationship could be healthy, but it works for enough people. Not for me. I want all the attention, all the time.

That's a good start, yeah? More to come, sorry it took awhile to get the first one going! I have to be better disciplined at this, or the Red Queen is gonna spank me!

*-CJ-*

Caught Ya!

Everybody has an embarrassing masturbation story, some of us are just way more shameless at admitting them.

When I was in high school, my mother was convinced I was bulimic because of all the time I spent in the shower. She was sure I was puking down the drain. Truth was, I discovered the magic of the shower massage. But that is not anywhere near the most embarrassing thing.

A few years ago I lived in a building where I was fortunate to be close friends with every single other tenant. We were always in and out of each others apartments, gossiping, sharing dinners, threatening to beat our children. I was lax about locking my door. It was a buzzer building anyways.

One afternoon, after a particularly randy phone conversation with my favorite London boy, I whipped out my favorite toy, hiked up my skirt and went to town in my living room. Several minutes later my neighbor came barging into my apartment. "Oh my god! You're never gonna believe..." I don't remember what she was talking about, I just remember pulling my skirt down as casually as I could. But, because of the nature and position of the toy- I could not turn it off.

My neighbor kept talking for a few minutes while I sat there, eyes glazed and desperately hoping she would finish soon. Finally, she grew quiet.

"Uhm, you're buzzing"

"Yes, yes I am"

It took about 5 seconds for her to realize what she'd walked into. She ran out, mortified and apologetic. We're still good friends but I am much better about locking my doors now.

Top 10 Break Up Songs

Once, in the midst of a relationship that was bad, bad bad (you know the ones where no amount of logical thinking will let you end it before everyone is wounded and bloody) I made they guy a mix CD. But not a regular mix CD, but a CD full of bitter, cynical love songs.

These songs I played over and over and over on my MP3 player until I was finally done with the guy just so I could remember how awful he made me feel. I thought I would share few, so here is a list of my top 10 break up songs.

10) The Magnetic Fields- I Don't Believe You (Is there ANYTHING better than a bitter Stephen Merrit when breaking up? Prolly not)

9) The Shins- Gone For Good

8) Sooooooo embarrassed to admit this: Gwen Stefani- Holla Back Girl (It's a great song for stomping around and using angry energy to get stuff done, but I am still ashamed)

7) Jude- The Asshole Song

6) Rufus Wainright- Instant Pleasure (this could actually be my theme song, but it was good to be reminded while I went through rebound boys)

5) April March- Chic Habit

4) The Sundays- Goodbye

3)Kaiser Chiefs - Every day I love you less and less

2) Postal Service- Nothing Better
I love the line about charts and graphs

1) The Decemberists- The Mariner's Revenge (at one point I sat naked on top of the guy and sang the chorus to him -I told you it was bloody)

Find him
Bind him
Tie him to a pole
and break his fingers
to splinters
then drag him to a hole
until he wakes up
screaming
clawing at the ceiling of his grave

Porn!

I am not the only girl I know who has broken a computer while watching porn.

Speaking of porn, you should head over to bitchphd and check out this fabulous post by M. Leblanc. I've had the exact same problems with porn, which is why I read a lot of trashy amateur erotica instead of watching movies now. I don't intellectually like the standard porn girl model, but I am not turned on by watching different and more realistic porn stuff.

I think I know part of why that is though. I think seeing something that should be more common (larger, imperfect bodies, hair, etc) has become so unusual in porn as to be fetishized and distracting if that is not your fetish. While I am trying to put myself into the girl's place and enjoy the show, instead my mind is wandering with thoughts of "Wow, pubic hair!"

What is also interesting to me is how different cultures have different kinks. I have a collection of porn mags from around the world, and it says a lot about what a culture thinks is taboo. Latin America, home of machismo, is full of cunnilingus, for example.

How to spot a married man

I seem to be some sort of freak magnet for married men. I think it's that I'm a bit of a libertine and my easy sexuality gets confused as a lack of morals. Not true actually. I have a high level of intolerance for lying. Lying to someone about who you are eliminates that person's choice. They think they are choosing one kind of relationship, when really they are being tricked into another. And if a guy is willing to lie to his wife, the person he promised to love till death, about you -then he will have no problems lying to you about everything.

So I thought I'd share my knowledge with you all. First, there are the normal big tip offs: only gives you his cell number, has a weird schedule, you never go to his place but to yours. Every single trashy girl mag will give you those clues, but that's not all there is.

1) Married guys are super romantic. Cards, flowers, mushy emails, sappy songs and poetry are all part of their tool kit. Remember, he's got a wife at home who has been telling him for years that he could be more romantic, so he knows what he's supposed to be doing. It's just with you he can do the easy romantic stuff without also having to do things like take out the trash or help put the kids to bed.

2) Presents, presents, presents. I've gotten a trip to Europe, really expensive shoes (my favorite Italian sandals and another pair of swanky heels), perfume, Lush products ( I love Lush, but it's so expensive I rarely can afford it myself). These are from guys who know they can't give you what you really want, so they buy your affection. What you really want is someone who will kill spiders for you or be there when your grandma dies. But married guy can't (and doesn't want to) do those things, he's already doing them for someone else. So they give really good presents.

3) Married guys talk- a lot. You would think that they just want to get down to dirty sex, but they are bigger talkers and less frequent fuckers than any other group of men I know. Again, they are doing with you what they can't do with their wives. Intricate discussions about literature and philosophy and art are hard to have when your wife is pissed because you left the laundry molding in the washing machine. But with you, they have no history of assholish neglect (yet) so they can have those big gorgeous discussions that get lost in everyday life.

In short, watch out for the super romantic, present-giving talker, he's already got one woman that he's making miserable and you don't need to be woman number two (or 3 or 4). That is the grand sum of my married guy wisdom.

Hello, is this thing on?

"I could totally write a blog about bad dates" a friend of mine said a few weeks ago. Hell, I even got a story about one of my bad dates published in Salon (pseudonymously) a few years ago. After a drunken comment at a party this weekend and a few minutes of chat with the above mentioned friend this morning "Don't touch the pink stuff!" was born

I also wanted a place where I could write about the more tawdry bits of my life. Sure I hint about them at my other place, but I am growing tired of hinting and sometimes a girl just wants to come out with the anal sex stories. Given that there are already naked pictures out there of me somewhere, I can prolly never run for political office. So I might as well tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Joining me in this little adventure is a dear friend- but I'm gonna let her introduce herself.

Until then, here's a little story about the latest almost stable boy to be kicked out of the stable.

A certain youngster, we'll call him The Puppy, reappeared just in time for my Thanksgiving fete. He's very hot and as with most younger guys, able to keep going and going and going. I like that in a stable boy. Anyways, he kept hinting about how very kinky he really is (very kinky people rarely hint, they just pull out the flogger and ask if it turns you on). But I took the bait anyways.

The longest lasting of the stable boys, Trucker Hat, has owed me a threesome with another boy ever since the first night we got together almost 5 years ago. See, I had a good girl friend over and rather than leave her out, I made sure everyone was happy. Trucker Hat is reliable (multiple multiples each and every time) and the only reason for not having paid me back was that boys are not nearly as open at sharing a girl as they are at being shared by two girls.

So since The Puppy claims kinkiness, I asked if he wanted to be the other piece of bread in a royal sandwich. There was some hemming, some hawing, and then he asked if a girl friend of mine would join in.

Nope. Threesomes or moresomes with girls a way more easy to come by than with boys, but having a boy in the room with another girl changes the dynamic. For me, it is twice the work and half the fun (and if it's a bi-curious girl, then it's all the work and no fun). Another girl all by herself is fine, but no more ultimate boy fantasies for me. The Puppy, once a cute little energetic ball of man meat, was now a boring and pedestrian blah.

While it may seem unfair of me, I've done both the boy and girl versions of this before. The MFF version is almost always the lazy man fuck. Very few boys have the cock stamina to pull off satisfying 2 girls and someone (me) always ends up being cruise director. Not to mention that all ideas of a MFF involve the girls getting each other off, yet MMF are usually straight. The guys don't ever have to touch each other. (I am waiting for the holy grail of a hot bi-boy threesome, but bi boys are even more difficult to pin down).

If I had a dollar for every guy who has asked me about a "hot girlfriend" joining us, I'd retire to Italy and live in Prada. It's cliche, it's BORING. Been there, done that, could teach a graduate degree class in it. Wanna prove that you're really kinky, tell me about your cute guy friend with the big cock. That's hot.