Did I ever tell you peeps the story

About how I broke my girl bits and had to get a new couch? No? Well, it's bloody- so don't read this if you're squeamish.

One of the former stable boys was called Ad Boy. You know those horrible Catherine Zeta Jones commercials for T-Mobile? Well Ad Boy was responsible for a few of them. Ad Boy was a lovely, brooding, dark haired misanthrope with a large cock and some fab skills.

I like couch sex. I like the leverage I can get holding on to the back of the couch when I'm on top. I used to have this awesome 70s gold velvet sectional that was huge and perfect for sex. I loved that couch, though it is now referred to as the murder couch because when we were done with it, it looked like a crime scene.

So I was happily on top of Ad Boy and just about to have my own happy ending, when his cock slipped. Condoms are not actually the most viscous material and the way he slipped out cause me considerable pain. But I thought it was just momentary. We stopped for a minute so we could reposition. Then Ad Boy said "Damn, you're really wet".

Not wet, bloody. When he slipped out, it torn my girl bits. And girl bits (just like boy bits) get engorged with blood when you're excited. Ad Boy's lap and my couch were covered in blood. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, leaving a trail of blood behind me. In the bathroom I sat on the toilet. For at least 10 minutes I sat there. It sounded like I was taking the world's longest piss, but it was all blood.

Ad Boy was sweet. He kept trying to get me to go to the hospital. I was a little afraid I was going into shock, but there was NO WAY IN HELL that I was going to the emergency room at 3 am on a weekend for this. I could just see myself telling the triage nurse that "I broke my vagina on a large penis and lost enough blood to make the Red Cross jealous". While I sat there and bled, Ad Boy cleaned up the blood trail as best as he could. There was blood in the living room, in the kitchen and even a bloody hand print on the wall from where I flicked on the light switch with my blood covered hand. If you learn nothing from this story, learn that girl bits bleed copiously.

Eventually I stopped bleeding. We flipped the cushions on the couch and went to bed (with me on several layers of towels so that I didn't ruin my very expensive pink sheets). After he left the next morning, I called my friend Science Girl and she came over to take a look. I was worried that I might have given myself an at home circumcision and Science Girl has seen enough pussy to be able to tell me.

There was a large clot that made it difficult to see what had actually torn, so I made an appointment with Hot Doctor (I have the coolest doctor on the planet and I have a giant girl crush on her). Hot Doctor said my fun parts were fine, barred me from sex for 2 weeks and then we discussed various brands of lube. I now keep a tube of silicon lube with the condoms, and even if I am wet and ready, big boys get slathered in it.

A week later I found a new couch on Craigslist. It sucks for sex because it has these stupid metal parts that tear into skin if you try to kneel on it. Science Girl and I tried to donate my old couch to goodwill (3 different ones, actually) but they weren't having it. We finally took it to the city dump and hoped that two girls dumping a blood stained couch wouldn't look suspicious.